The Chesterfiled Epidemic

ASS FUCK RAMBLE!

Since this blog is entitled "Random Ramblings" I suppose I should get to some random ramblings which is what i'm going to do now.

Jesus was once the savior of the catleashed but unfortunately for her the sediments between his beard and his anus was the only thing that kept her from reaching the sizeable flowers that made her happy.

So without a doubt would the large possum on the sidewalk be infuriated with her activity, the possum was always Jesus'sess best friend and with this betrayal, the shit hit the sunflower. Without making the slightest sound, the possum snuck into Jesus'Seessesredrocket room and proceed to steal her most valuable possession. Her stock of Penthouse magazine from the mid 80's. Without giving it a 2nd thoughtgodmyhandsaretiredIreally need to work out. Without giving it a 2nd thought, the possum reached out to get the magazines but as he did so the door slammed shut behind him and he witnessed the most horrible sight.

Terrible. Arm. Cramps. From. Not. Doing. Any. Arm. Related. Exercises. Even. Though. I. Really. Should. Because. My. Arms. Are. Far. To. Flimsy. And. Hairy. To. Be. Considered. "Sexualtimeage".

Owwwww it really hurts, seriously my muscles feel like they are having mega super unawesome seizures even though they don't want to. I am now typing with one hand which may remind some of Seth Green's large tomahawk arrangements down by the pick-up truck cannery.

Bitch, of course i'll "contradict" you although I have no idea what that means, my only guess is that it would mean masterbating to old footage of "Contra".

Yeah, why don't you marry him. SHUT UP CHEESE!

NO!

FINE NO MORE PIE FOR YOU!

OMG NOOOOOO I NEED THE PIENESS!

I'm Fine

I am, just letting you all know that.

I just don't care anymore.

I just dont.

I'm not going idley stand by while people don't talk to me, I try to be assertive without being rude but it's hard and I can't do it anymore.Everytime I try to talk to someone I feel like they just feel obligated to talk to me and that they actually don't want to and I really dislike forcing people to do what they don't want to so I suppose I don't have any real friends do I? I want to talk to them but it's not easy for me,I have always had massive anxiety problems since I was young and it's something i've been trying to get rid of my whole life but I don't think it will ever go away.

I don't know what i'm going to do with myself, there are still many things in life that I want to do but if you not happy then what's the point? I'm not going to fake being happy anymore just to make other people happy that don't value me at all. I don't want to kill myself but if there isn't anything else left doing.....I just don't know what to do.

I honestly can't express my discontent with myself and other people. I don't hate other people in general I just hate the ignorance that plagues them all,many of them think they aren't ignorant but they are. As soon as they see something that isn't what they would deem "normal" they just avoid that person despite how nice and selfless that person is. I can't send a big fuck you to everyone because i'm so emotionally confused at the moment that I don't know to express myself without coming off as emo.

I want to be social like everyone else, I want to go out like everyone else, I want to succeed like everyone else but based on how I feel now and the past month, I don't think I can. I know no one will read this but that's how I feel and I just don't want to live anymore, i'm sorry if this hurt any feelings but I just don't care anymore. You hurt me and now i'm hurting you.

Please help me,I don't know what to do ;(

Those Crazy Japanese Who Aren't As Crazy As I Am

Taken from Museumofhoaxes.com

"The New York Times reports about a Japanese designer, Aya Tsukioka, who has designed clothes that transform into vending-machine costumes. The idea is that if you're being pursued by a criminal, you can quickly transform yourself into a vending machine, and the criminal will hopefully run right past you.

Ms. Tsukioka, a 29-year-old experimental fashion designer, lifted a flap on her skirt to reveal a large sheet of cloth printed in bright red with a soft drink logo partly visible. By holding the sheet open and stepping to the side of the road, she showed how a woman walking alone could elude pursuers — by disguising herself as a vending machine. The wearer hides behind the sheet, printed with an actual-size photo of a vending machine. Ms. Tsukioka’s clothing is still in development, but she already has several versions, including one that unfolds from a kimono and a deluxe model with four sides for more complete camouflaging.

Tsukioka has also designed a "manhole bag," which is a purse that looks like a manhole cover: "Lay it on the street with your wallet inside, and unwitting thieves are supposed to walk right by."

The disguises don't look very convincing, but maybe if it was dark someone would be fooled... unless they saw the feet poking out from the bottom of the costume. Tsukioka herself admits the disguises might be a bit impractical, "especially when your hands are shaking." Still, she's managed to sell about 20 of them, at around $800 each."

So they don't drink soft drinks in Japan? I mean, how is this supposed to work. You just run around the corner put this thing on and BAM! OMG WHERE DID TEH PERSON IN WHICH I AM TRYIN TO KILL IS!?! OMG VENDING MACHINE ME THIRSTY!!

Seriously who is going to buy this other then 95% of Japan's population? Stephen Colbert? He is far too awesome to be downgraded like that, how dare you!

So in short, Vending Machines = Good
Stephen Colbert = Future President of the United States
Japan = My new home.

Some Pointers (Not Hard Enough to Penetrate, Unless Your Korean)

1. I have a new review's blog up where I will be reviewing everything from music to movies to adult diapers to poster's I have recieved in magazines that I feel compelled to look at right now while i'm typing this and I am not even looking at what i'm typing......HOLY CRAP I'M A NERD!

http://bananaoraclesreviewsubblog.blogspot.com/

2. I will only be posting 1-2 entries a week from now on unless I have an emergency or simply if I cut myself more then 4 times a week.

3. I don't like advertising.....I hate it, so whoever reads this blog can you please tell your friends of this blog because if you tell 5 friends and they tell 5 friends, and there's 7 right there SO INVITE!

4. That's All.

Fantomas - Suspended Animation (My Moldy Music Review Leftovers)

It's 10:06 as I write this and while I just posted another captivating blog entry I figured I should post a music review I did on a site long ago seeing as I have nothing better to do (or poo, i'm still waiting for more.) Enjoy it while it lasts because when you least expect it.....it'll still be on my blog.....with no comments.....because no one comes to my blog......and me updating it on a regular basis is pointless......because no one reads it.......its true.......BobbyB down the street has a popular blog but no, the skinny pale dude with anxiety problems gets the shaft because his emo hair makes him look emo even though he is because he has nothing in common with other people which causes him severe depression......HAHA! But seriously kids, being emo isn't funny. Unless you have a myspace.

Here's my review before I kill you with my incoherent ramblings yet again.

Summary: Fantomas continue to not so much push the boundaries of music, but screw with everyone's perspective on it.

Fantomas is probably the most experimental of Mike Patton's various projects. Fantomas consists of Patton (Faith No More, Mr. Bungle) on "vocals", King Buzzo (Melvins, Venomous Concept) on guitar, Trevor Dunn (Mr. Bungle) on bass and Dave Lombardo (Slayer on drums. That line-up alone should have metalheads intrigued as all of these musicians are master of their craft.

This is Fantoma's 4th album and continues their trend of releasing albums based on bizzare themes. Their first untitled album released in 1999 had a track for every page of an issue of the comic "Diabolik". Their second effort "The Director's Cut" had various covers of classic movie themes, some were very faithful to the original compositions (Night of the Hunter) while others completely re-imagined them (The Godfather). Then came their most inaccessible release to date "Delirium Cordia" with was one 74 minute song that took listener's through the various stages of surgery without anestetic. The latest effort of Fantomas "Suspended Animation" will be the basis of this review.

The first track sets us up with what the rest of the album will be bringing shortly, zany cartoon effect and heavy guitar riffs. As the sound effects intensify, everything suddenly stops before going into the 2nd track which uses the least ammount of zany cartoon effects like the rest of the album still manages to kick baby testicles. The 3rd day begins with the sound of children laughing before more fantomas insanity which is also apparent in the 4th day. The 5th day is basically some heavy breathing and carefully plucked guitar strings before the sound effects come back in briefly before you hear a bizzare voice yell "Quiet!", it sounds like Mike Patton as an elderly woman.



The 6th track begins with with some subtle vocals and more bizarre sound effects that sound like they were taken out of a Looney Tunes cartoon before going into probably my favorite riff of the album, it then goes into a soothing piano melody with some haunting vocals by Patton. The next few days are more of the same although in the 10th day during the intro it sounds like Fantomas was spelled wrong "F....A....N....T....A...M...A....S" which I believe is some sort of energy drink from Sweden.

The remainder of the tracks are also unique treats to the ears, "04/11/05" starts off with weird gurgling noise before going into what we know from Fantomas, pointless noises. "RAHRAHRAH RURRURRUR, BOING DIKDIKDIKDIKDIKDIK DIGEROO". Not the most accurate assessment but an assessment nonetheless. One of my favorite intros is the intro to "04/14/05" which starts with an opera singer doing what opera singer's do best: antagonize the living hell out of you but luckly we hear a gunshot and the opera singer shuts up.....for good.

I could go on describing the tracks but then I wouldn't get into the unique album artwork (that is if you bought the special edition). It's basically a 30 page booklet (one page for each day of the April) with bizarre, comedic and somewhat disturbing illustrations on each page. The first day of the month has a boy being hung on a cross that is surrounded by fire while a stream of urine protudes from his penial area......yeah.....

"Suspended Animation" may just be the weirdest record to come out since Naked City were shaking up the avant-garde fans. With bizzare sound effects at every turn and more incomprehensable gibberish then a japanese school girl on cocaine, this is one of the most unique albums released this past decade and probably Fantoma's best record since The Director's Cut.

4.5/5

Holy Fecal Matter! (Since when was fecal matter holy?)

Well, it has come to me that someone actually reads my blog which makes me giggle like a schoolgirl. Since someone is actually reading this I suppose I should write down something worthwhile and yet keep it random enough so you just barely get it ;)

Let's seeeeee..... Well this has been the most boring week of life (not counting that week I spent inside my mom's vaginal tract). It's not that its been a bad week, it's just been medicore. Normally I get into large conversations with people about the most bizarre and obscene things. Just last week I had a conversation with some of my friends about monkey feces and the way they converge into each other thus forming a monkey fece's Voltron. Then it occured to me.....

I'M DOIN TEH POOP BLOGZ!

I know, I know. The Deerhunter band blog already did it (fantastic blog btw http://www.deerhuntertheband.blogspot.com) but since i'm tired and in need of somewhere to let out my deep emotional grievings on how my poop this afternoon was horrific.

So I go to my toilet like I usually do (often) and I pull down my drawers and prepare for stinky material to protrude from my rectum (is that your bumhole?). Anyways as I was preparing for the poopage it occured to me that it was not coming out. I grunted and groaned but it didn't come out, I must of spent at least one hour on the toilet (while sweating profusely as usual). It was a horrible ordeal so horrible I can't even right fisable sentences, and am unable to spell fesable right (I try). I am also using brackets too much, and am typing too much, and am experiencing muscle cramps too much (I have muscles?).

There you have it, my poop blog. While I wasn't able to write a complicated poem about my poo and since i'm not that mentally disturbed to sit in front of my toilet with a notepad and write my feelings about my poo while I watch it float delicately like an orchid on a pond. As fun as that sounds and as badly as I want to do it right now, I actually have to urinate instead. I hope you enjoyed reading this entry as much as hated writing it.

I'm really tired, and hungry......where are my chips? AND WHERE IS MY SENSE OF EPIDERMIS WELFARE!

Goodnight.

ADDED: I'm also aware that this blog entry looks like crap, oh well it is about poo so it fits.

First Post/Last Boast (Bass Ramblings Success)

Hi this is my first post in what hopes to be the most superpantsbabies blog in the history of the nearsighted establishment. (expect alot of my sentences not to make any logical sense)

I doubt many will read this but hopefully through shameless advertising and millions of imaginary dollars spent on my homays, this blog will ammount to something. It may not be much but it's better then say.....getting hit in the testicles by a golf club. At least I hope so.

Bon Voyage!